On Friday morning I went to the Starbucks in Dupont Circle, with the big windows and natural light, to drink coffee and do work on my laptop. I had imagined sitting near the door, watching the people on the street, and smelling the fresh warm spring air every time someone walked in.
But the temperature was 40 degrees, and I had to wear my black puffy coat the whole time, because whenever someone opened the door, a wall of cold rushed in like a defensive line. Not at all what I had hoped for April in D.C.
Grumpy and sick of the cold, I left earlier than planned and called an Uber. Fifteen minutes later, I watched the driver cruise past, not seeing me, as if I were invisible. She called, and I gave her directions and watched her drive by again; then she cancelled the ride.
I called another car and contacted the driver, telling him exactly where I was — in front of the optometrist office and the GNC. "Okay," he said. "I will find you." I wasn't confident.
By now I was near tears — on the surface because of the failed Starbucks plan and the unconscientious Uber driver, but underneath because of this lingering winter, meteorologically and emotionally and spiritually.
A few minutes later my driver saw me, honked, and pulled over. When I got in, he looked at me and said, "I told you I would find you." And in his face, I saw Jesus.
Many days I feel seen, found, noticed, secure. But some days, like this one, I feel completely lost. As if I've fallen off God's radar. I wonder with the psalmist, "How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?"
Some of these some days, I hear no answer. Radio silence, on my end.
Some days I scrape together some peace, through prayer and friends and regular snacks and favorite books.
Every day, though, I believe Jesus is coming after me, reaching out to me.
Jesus, who so painfully knows the sound of God's silence, stays with me as I dial God's number again and again, and it rings and rings, and I wonder why He doesn't answer, unaware that His answer sits beside me.
Jesus, who promises to come back for me, for us His brothers and sisters. Let not your hearts be troubled, He says (John 14:1).
And I believe at the end of my days, He will look at me and say, "I told you I would find you."